For someone who used to dance properly, I am remarkably clumsy.
While I’ve managed not to seriously injure myself in the pursuit of sexual pleasure, my reliance on wand-style vibrators has a major drawback:
Cables, and their ability to get tangled.
Moving to better position a toy and being attacked by a charging mobile phone determined to get in on the action happens more often than I’d like to admit. So the promise of strong vibrations, Lelo quality and looks – and no cables? Bring me the Smart Wands on a platter!
There are two sizes to choose from, the Large Smart Wand, and the optimistically named Medium Smart Wand. When you see them next to each other, you could be forgiven for wondering how little a Small would be. The Medium is about half the size of the Large, just under 9” long if you ignore the curve, and 1.8” in diameter, compared to 12” long and 2.4” in diameter.
They’re covered in smooth velvety silicone, in the choice of luscious black, purple, and a white that while luxurious, makes them look like extremely high-end ultrasound scanners, the sort you’d find in only the most stylish clinics. They’re ergonomically shaped, and the all-over silicone means the head-shaft intersection is thankfully free of the ridges and grooves on other wands that look like they’ll catch your pubes at the worst moment.
Both come in the standard elegant Lelo box, and both come with storage pouches. The Medium Smart Wand has the usual slinky black drawstring bag; the Large comes with a neoprene zip-up cover that reminds me slightly too much of the wrist support I had to wear when I used to play hockey. The Large Smart Wand also comes with a bigger, 9 volt, charger, unique among Lelo toys – because it’s a powerful beast.
In addition to eight power levels, the wands have seven patterns, three of which are different speed pulse settings. Patterns do little but frustrate me, so I skipped over them in favour of the Smart Wands’ SenseTouch technology.
Switch on the wand and push the middle button steadily for a few seconds. The LEDs will flash to let you know when you’ve entered SenseTouch mode. The wand will power down to a low rumble, then, when you apply warm pressure to the head it’ll power up to maximum. You will then, if you’re anything like me, find yourself pressing the wand against all manner of surfaces and body parts, at all manner of angles, for hours on end (well, you know), watching it power up then down again. Or not.
As mentioned, the pressure source also needs to be warm. Nowhere in the instructions does it state this, but trust me – you need body heat and pressure.
Therefore, on this reviewer’s body, erect nipples are too small to register – but it loves my belly button. Rest the wand on any other part of my tummy and it gets somewhat confused.
There’s an element of power conservation to the SenseTouch feature. Most toys use less power on their lower settings, and if the Wands aren’t pressed against anything for more than 60 seconds they automatically switch off. I thought I’d broken one the first time it powered itself off. Thankfully not, because it was the Medium.
My reaction to the Medium Smart Wand is so consistently good that it’s become my new go-to over my old faithful, the Lovehoney Magic Wand Deluxe. It’s not quite powerful enough for me, but it makes the build-up absolutely wonderful.
The head nestles between my labia beautifully, delivering vibrations to not just my clitoris but the surrounding area. And what vibrations! The geek in me is pleased to learn from the instruction booklet that 120 Hz is my sweet spot on the buzz-rumble spectrum.
It’s almost like it was designed for me. Almost – because my orgasms with it are a little fickle. While most of us need clitoral stimulation to come, there’s something ironic about needing non-clitoral stimulation as well.
Being me, I’m willing to say it’s not the toy. The sensations it causes make me clench my thighs, whimper like next door’s dog, beg for more. It feels fun, to the extent that if I don’t orgasm, I don’t mind. I don’t ever want to remove this toy from my clit. That’s how much I like it.
Enter the Large Smart Wand.
Almost straight away I’m disappointed. The head feels too big for me after the perfect fit of the Medium. Its greater surface area shouldn’t matter too much when there’s all that power behind it , but it feels oddly unfocused. It has a frequency of 100 Hz – but that’s not why I have a problem with it.
The stronger, deeper, vibrations are dinosaur-footsteps-making-a-glass-of-water-tremble rumbly, but they’re not limited to the head. The whole wand vibrates, uncomfortably so at the higher settings. The ergonomic shape means the controls are away from the head, but that does little to save you from white finger.
It provides so much stimulation even I have little choice but to come. The kicker is that the resulting orgasm feels like hard work. The silicone feels lovely, but the sensation behind it doesn’t. There’s no thigh-clenching rollercoaster of teasing, no build-up, no enjoyment.
It’s like being masturbated by a dressed up hammer-drill.
It’s no fun.
And my hand hurts.
Give me the Medium Smart Wand and a decent dildo over the numbing disappointment of the Large any day.